I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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