There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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