umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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