My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize