I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize