Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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