there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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