She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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