the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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