Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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