remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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