I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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