Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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