is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize