i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize