I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize