I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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