I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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