It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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