I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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