hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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