I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
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She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
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She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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