i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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