I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
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I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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