My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
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Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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