Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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