i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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