i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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