i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
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His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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