I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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