The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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