You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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