We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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