I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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