By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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