i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
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We left the knife in your bed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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