i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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