so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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