found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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