I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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