Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize