you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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