So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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