Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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