fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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