whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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