I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're a waste of cheezeits
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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