i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
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I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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