Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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