this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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